chronicles of depression

sadness – numbness
irritability – sensitivity
extreme exhaustion – insomnia
staying up late – waking up late
loneliness – avoiding socializing
anxious behavior – indifference
starving until I can’t take it – overeating
slow thoughts – nonstop racing thoughts

a list that will probably never end because each of us, while we may have similar symptoms, experience our hardships so differently and therefore have a unique perspective on each of these experiences.

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Rain

rainy is the weather of my life

when did rain become bad?
what about dancing on the balcony
when gray clouds were threatening us
with pouring rain,
all I can remember from it is
our laughter,
the joy in your face,
the singing and dancing,
it was good.

but how did rain become good?
what about that time when
the endless outpour of water
came from two sources:
me and the rain.
all I can remember from it is
the physical pain crushing my chest,
begging air to pass through my heaving,
the feeling of weakness,
being drenched in water,
knowing nothing would ever be the same,
it was bad.

I will jump

alone
abandoned
I’m standing on my own
stranded

on the edge of insanity
watching you absently
please don’t say anything
all my senses are vanishing

when I hit the ground
it will muffle all sounds
my eyes will go blind
and it’s myself I will find

I’ll think about your trust
and say it was too much
I’ll think about your disappointment
and say this day was appointed

by you
by me
by every soul that chose to see
that I can no longer hold on
that I’m not strong
that weakness tears
when it carries weight
too heavy to bear

alone
abandoned
by you
by me
I’m standing on my own
stranded

*Disclaimer: This poem is representative of intense and strong emotions within a depressive episode. It talks about helplessness, lack of hope and toys with the idea of what it would feel like if it were all over. However, I want to emphasize that I’m not suicidal. I do not intend to romanticize, encourage or simplify the issue of suicide.*

mother.

Can you see her holding her child like that
kissing her child like that
where was your love at?

Can’t you hear us asking for you to stay
to take this pain away
even though we do not say anything

One day the sun will be brighter
the weight on our shoulders so much lighter
and when you hit rock bottom and start to regret
don’t come back asking where our love’s at.

6/28/13

give and take

my love comes easy,
why doesn’t yours?
I give, and you take
I give you more than I can even create
inside this heart
until my love doesn’t come easy
and you ask me: what’s the reason?
and I say: I asked you first
but you tell me nothing
then your presence becomes like
my least favorite season
unbearable, and too cold to reason with
my quiet whispers turn into noise
as my least favorite sound,
your voice,
is telling me the same old lies
that without me you’d die
so then why are you alive?
you’ve lost me long ago

talking to myself

“Why don’t you love yourself? It seems that getting to know yourself and learning to love and respect yourself is a difficult task for you. But why? You’re wired to constantly criticize yourself; you are a perfectionist and you never give yourself enough credit for the things you do well. But I know how that makes you feel – it hurts you – it exhausts you. You then proceed to withdraw yourself from your social life, just to give yourself even more time to think about your behavior. But you are not the only person who feels this way, so continue to ask “why?”. Loving and respecting yourself is tough because you have an inaccurate perception of yourself. You’re disconnected; you forget how important keeping a relationship, a connection with yourself, is. Open your heart and realize, that you are and should be, too, an important person in your life.

Imagine a world, in which all of your loved ones vanish, it doesn’t matter where they are, just know they are gone. Every materialistic thing you ever owned does not belong to you anymore, what do you have left? Only yourself.”

love, hate

I remember the way I felt when I was by your side,
I remember the shelter I gave you when you had sleepless nights,
I’m loosening my grip, but you keep holding on.

I remember the way you brought out the best in me,
I remember the doubters saying we could never be,
Oh how right they were, but I’ll never admit.

No one tears me apart and puts me back together like you do,
I’ll hate you forever,
but I can’t stop longing for you.

depression 1.0

Speechless. Speechless is what depression makes me. I’m speaking, I’m yelling, yet, I can’t get across the feeling and the lack of it. The void, never to be filled. It’s like an existing vacuum inside of me – there’s something there but not really. Imagine the human heart as the shape we have assigned to it. See a light shining through its borders, filling it with a remarkable glow. Now imagine that light slowly dimming down, it gets darker; the heart gets darker and darker, and darker. Until there’s no light left. That’s what depression feels like.

Why?

I don’t comprehend
I can’t say why
Do I seek connection?
or an excuse to cry, fill my heart
the void someone else created

but why

Why do I try, so desperately to comply
it won’t matter when it dies,
of emptiness
resentment
dissatisfaction
I can’t say why
but I desperately keep trying